Someone Asked Me...

Why is your depression worse now than it was before?

Well scientifically I couldn't tell you. Emotionally, physically, and relationship wise, for me I'll fill you in.

Today I was looking for plastic surgeons. To fix the extra skin on my stomach, legs, arms, and most depressingly to me, my breasts. Initially it was only a breast refill I NEEDED to be happy, but then I caught a glimpse of the excess skin on my back, my stomach, my arms, and I cried for an hour on the bathroom floor. 

I hated myself before the massive weight loss, I hate myself more now. I look like a melted candle. Misshapen, warped, hideous.  

Weight loss will NOT make you happy, in fact, it will likely worsen depression if you have it. It is not the end all, sure it will help your general health, and mobility, but it has its downside too. You see people for the shallow jerks they are. People who never ever gave you the time of day before, are suddenly interested. Store clerks treat you better as a skinny person, you get more offers of help from people. More people smile at you on the street, and the people who used to drive by and call you a fat cow, now whistle at you and make you feel ashamed.

The only lesson I have for you here, is be happy with you BEFORE you change yourself, because if you aren't nothing will ever "fix" you.

Depression Doesn't Go Away

So the new you is 100+ pounds less. You can run a while without getting tired, stairs are no longer a burden.... walking is a joy, and you fit in smaller clothes. But the depression, clinical depression, it doesn't go away.

I've suffered with depression, anxiety, and (most wont believe it) an extremely introverted personality for many many years (about 21 years to zero in on the diagnosis at age 7). I get depressed over the smallest, most insignificant things... anxious over nothing at all, and my introversion makes work a living hell. I am a full time a Client Service Professional, I work with the public, and that means I have to act like I'm not terrified 100% of the time. This leaves me drained, emotionally, socially, 100% of the time, and more prone to depression.

It's thanks to... a special someone in my SecondLife (yes a game), and in my Real Life heart that I was reminded of how awesome I am. In the past year: I have graduated college, found a job (albeit seasonal), got my license, lost 100 pounds. I am fricken AMAZING! Sometimes, it takes other people pointing out things about you, for you to be able to see them yourself.... and, should you be cynical like me, maybe someone you love can get it through your head, and help you out of your funk.

You are beautiful, you are intelligent, and you have got this life by the horns!

Keep being amazing.

Vitamin D Deficiencies and You

I know I've been gone a while, college, new relationship, new job, new everything it feels like. New year new me really hit hard this round, but in all that chaos of a new life, comes absent mindedness. I remember my muti-vit daily. I never forget it. But the Vitamin D? Oh yes that I forget.... in fact I've forgotten every day since January.

I first noticed the issues last night (Feb 13th) when I got mopey over absolutely nothing. I mean, pouting, stomping, full blown 3 year old temper tantrum. I've had a migraine for 8 days, hadn't been sleeping well, and was exhausted from the new job I had just started.... But I just couldn't figure out WHY. I hadn't eaten trigger foods, hid inside from the sunlight... So I got up, and went to grab more water (5th bottle for the day) and as I went to the door I saw the new unopened bottle of Vitamin D, with the receipt marked December 22, 2015 wrapped around it.

Oh.... THAT explains much, I thought, but I still had to look it up.

WebMD tells me that "The most common cause of this sleep problem is vitamin D deficiency."

Makes sense since I've been entirely ignoring that vitamin for months. So I unsealed that bottle, took one with a glass of milk, and slept better than I have in months. I woke up migraine free, and so far haven't had a total pouty moment (Just the regularly scheduled mood swings that accompany a woman). So the moral of the story here is....

DON'T FORGET YOUR VITAMINS! No matter how small they may seem, how trivial, or how easy to forget, the side effects can mess with you seriously.

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Please note: I am not a qualified medical professional, I cannot tell you which vitamins you need to be taking pre or post op. Stay in contact with your medical professionals, and stay on top of your blood work.

I just don't see it.

I look in the mirror, and the scale every day. I see the smaller numbers on my scale, and in my clothes, but I still see the near 300 pound girl I was a few short months ago. I don't see the "skinny mini" my bus drivers comment on... I don't see the huge changes everyone else does, in fact, I still see the fat girl I used to be. I don't see protruding bones, I feel them, but can't see them. Is it illness? Is it bias? Is it being used to the old body? Or is it just an effect of seeing myself daily? I'm not quite sure, but I can say, I am not alone. 

At a recent Support meeting for the surgical patients, 80% of the people there (men and women) didn't see themselves as "skinny" either. Even the ones down 200+ pounds still saw the big person. So why does this phenomenon occur? Why do we, new-skinny people see the past, weeks, months or years later? IS it because we miss the padding? The comfort/protection being big gave us? The strength we had 100+ pounds ago? What causes this perception issue, and our inability to see what everyone else sees?

If you have any ideas, thoughts or questions for me about this topic, or any others, feel free to toss them my way!

Increased Fertility and Bariatric Surgery - Prevention

DISCLAIMER: Now, before I begin, I know this will be a controversial topic. I am talking "planned" parenthood, for the sake of your health and a new life's health post-op. A follow up blog from my co-author MAY follow concerning the OTHER side of the story.

I have PCOS, Polycystsic Ovarian Syndrome. This syndrome can cause missed, or irregular periods, weight gain (which is my issue), hair growth where you don't want it, hair loss (where you don't want it), acne, and what I still suffer from, cysts. Horrible, painful cysts. 

Bariatric surgery, CAN HELP many of the symptoms, but doesn't always get rid of the issue (because, yes, skinny people have PCOS too). How does it help? Well weight loss can increase your fertility, and in our case, it can cause HYPER fertility, as post-op the birth control pill, and the patch are not absorbed as well, and the shot causes weight gain. This leaves, condoms (male or female), abstinence, and the IUD (copper or hormone) as the remaining options. Condoms, which sometimes break, or slip off.... abstinence (which a healthy young couple probably wouldn't do for two years)... and then, the IUD. 

An intrauterine device (IUD or coil) is a small contraceptive device, often 'T'-shaped, often containing either copper or levonorgestrel, which is inserted into the uterus. They are one form of long-acting reversible contraception which are the most effective types of reversible birth control.

I chose to have the Mirena IUD inserted a few months pre-surgery, as this form of contraceptive works for 5 years, pregnancy rates are 0.01%, and the horror stories, while terrifying, happen so rarely that it sounded like the best option for me.  The reason I chose this option? Pregnancy within the first 2 years of bariatric surgery, is a drain on your health, and that of the baby. You cannot absorb vitamins, and neither can your baby.... Also, frankly, I'm not a fan of children, and am far too selfish to bother. If you are considering this surgery, and starting a family (or NOT starting a family) I urge you, men and women, to think about contraceptive, not for ever, just for the first few years while your body recovers, heals, and relearns itself.

"You've changed since you've had this surgery."

Why yes, I have, thank you for noticing.

Pre-op I was a confident person, but I also let people take advantage of me. I didn't fight back when my (now ex) said something hurtful, or when people talked bad about me, because as much as I thought I was fabulous, I didn't want to lose my friends, or my relationship. I was willing to put up with people treating me badly, because I felt like I couldn't get more friends or another relationship.

Now, all of that has changed. My new body (hello small size women's from Urban Planet!) has brought me new thoughts. I am still as fabulous as I was before, just smaller. I am still as bubbly as before, just in a smaller package. I still have the same acne scars, the same emotions (ok maybe a bit more mood swings), as well as the same love of books, music and COFFEE. Now... however, I do not tolerate bull shit. I have come a loooong way (3 months post op, down 74 pounds from July 2014). I have worked my ass off, changed my diet, exercise and am working on my mental health now too.

Mental health is something the Bariatric Center here (Windsor) puts only a small amount of focus on, but, I feel it should be a much bigger focus. You cannot be physically healthy if you are not mentally healthy, and vice versa. To understand this I point to my past: I liked myself, I thought I was rather pretty, I knew I was intelligent, quick witted, and sharp tongued, and I liked that.... BUT (yes big but there), I still let people mistreat me, because I felt, as a fat person, that I would lose people if I stood up for myself. The fact is, I have lost those people, and I am better for it. Your best friend, big, or little, thick or thin, is YOU.

Yesterday (Sunday Sept 13), I brought my 9-year old sister swimming, the private changing room was full, so I just started changing where all the lockers are... Really I don't mind it, we're all ladies anyways, and frankly, boobs exist. We all have 'em. Anyhow, a woman was in the change room (door open) and had asked me how I lost so much weight (74lbs hell yeah!) So I told her, I had bariatric surgery, and made the changes pre-op.

She said, "My doctor keeps referring me to the program in Michigan, but I don't want to change, my boyfriend likes me as I am... He call's me fluffy."

 That actually upset me. "The surgery is NOT about what your BOYFRIEND likes. It is about what makes you happy. Do you want to be able to come here, and climb those stairs up to the watersides without feeling like you are about to have a heart attack?" was my reply.

You climb the 5 flights of stairs, up to the top, and you start to lose your breath part way there. You get to the top and you feel like you are sweating, you are so happy that the line is long, because it will give you some time to stop shaking with exertion before you have to go down the Python.

She looked at me, stunned and said, "That's exactly what happens..." I know. Believe me I know. July 2014 I was 293 pounds, I'm not yet under 200, but I will be. The surgery is never about what other people want, it is about what you want, and what you need.

But the key here was it is about YOU. What you want. What YOU need. If other people, family, friends, lovers, co-workers cannot see that you are doing this surgery, or diet, or whatever you are doing to better yourself, for YOU, then they are the problem. Not you. This journey is about you, not your husband/wife/partner/friends/family/children/aunts/uncles/cats/dogs. This journey is yours to make, and if the people in your life can support that, great. If not, then they are dead weight, that is easy to shed as you travel down this new path. Make your own choices, for you.

Your fibro will go away they said...

They lied.

In fact my fibro is far worse than it has ever been in my life, but now, I have no way to even help manage the pain, the brain fog, the tender points that make a physical relationship difficult.... The lack of sleep, the constant unending agony of daily life. "It's not instant" they said, well that's great, I am not expecting instant, but I certainly was NOT expecting worse.

I have put in a request to see a rheumatologist, but who knows when that will happen. In the meantime, I don't know how long I can handle this. Something has got to give, and I'm afraid it might be me.

Brusies and shrinking boobs...

Two things I've never had, small breasts and bruisable skin. I never visibly bruise. I'm one of those invisible bruisers.... You know the kind who forgets they hurt themselves until you lightly brush the area and then they whimper like school children? Yeah I'm that person, or at least I was.....

The purpose of this post? Not to whine or complain, but to stress the importance of BLOOD TESTS after surgery. Your iron levels with drop, along with everything else. With low levels of everything, comes bruises, hair loss, exhaustion, muscle loss, inability to concentrate, and much much more. Now I go for my blood tests in less than two weeks, but with all of the new issues popping up, I know what will be low. KEEP ON TOP OF YOUR BLOOD LEVELS, get checked regularly, and if in doubt, don't be afraid to ask for more tests.

Onto the boob shrinkage... TMI, yes I know, but to me this is an important topic. I love(d) my breasts. I mean really, I've had them since puberty (age 7), they've been with me everywhere. They've caused back problems, but given me pillows when sleeping upon my stomach.... They've threatened to suffocate me if I slept upon my back, and made running the most painful thing since stepping on Lego's barefoot; but truly, the shrinking is TERRIFYING. When you wake up one day and notice that all of your bras are TOO BIG..... that you could fit padding and push up stuff inside of your bra WITH your breasts is a scary experience (ok maybe it's just me).... We all have to get used to the shrinking FAST, and the way I'm dealing is giving all of my bras to my mum, who could use some pretty bras, and adopting sports bras.... (Yeah sports bras, should NOT be called that, because running is the WORST in a "sports" bra, as is jumping rope, climbing or doing anything that causes the breasts to move.....) These will stretch or shrink with my body (I'm crying here), and make it so I'm not wasting a crap ton on new bras that will only fit for about a week.

You will shrink, even if the numbers on your scale don't shift, your muscles and fat will shift and give you a new body shape... You may miss the comfort, or take joy in the changes, but whatever you do, stay on the path. You've got this!

P.S. thanks for letting me cry about mah boobs <3

10 Weeks Tomorrow

...and it seems everyone but me is noticing a difference. I see nothing different, aside from dry skin, dry hair, dry nails, and super flappy arm skin. I'm eating pretty much anything (in super tiny amounts) except for breads, pasta and rice (that stuff is NOT easy on the pouch at all)... with only a few minor set backs...

 As a kid, right after trick or treating, did you hide out (in a fort) and eat all the candy you could? Then end up with horrible stomach pain, chills, and maybe even start puking? Yeah, well that's what it's like now... and only one teeeeny little teaspoon can make the difference.

Tea. I LOVE tea, but I made the mistake of letting someone else make my tea the other day... and that moment, I was introduced to DUMPING SYNDROME.

Yeah, I use big red font, because dumping syndrome is NOT fun. It sounds pretty gross, and feels pretty gross too... Symptoms differ from person to person, but everyone (bariatric patient or not) has a chance of experiencing it. Here's a list of the symptoms:

• A feeling of fullness, even after eating just a small amount.
• Abdominal cramping or pain.
• Nausea or vomiting.
• Severe diarrhea.
• Sweating, flushing, or light-headedness.
• Rapid heartbeat.

Ok so the fullness after small amounts is common after surgery.... I didn't get the cramps, but what I got was the flushed body, rapid heart beat (like a humming bird I swear), and was covered in sweat so thick the shower couldn't help me. There isn't much you can do but lay down for an hour or so and just let the wave pass, take some tiny sips of water, and just hold on. I know I say this often, but think before you put anything into your mouth, and if someone else makes your coffee, or tea.... keep an eye on that sugar, because the Dumping is just not worth that extra teaspoon.

Nearly 8 weeks out...

...and I'm finding the support group to be not at all supportive. I discuss my issues, and worries, and get told to pull up my big girl panties... I talk about my worsening health condition and get told that "It isn't an overnight fix..." Yes thanks "Support people" I know this. What I NEED is someone to say "Yeah I know, it sucks too." So since I can't discuss my problems, or fears with this "Support" group, what can I do, but keep quiet and deal with the issues myself and through blogging. Hopefully, any of you considering Bariatric surgery get more support than I have, if you ever need it, but feel like you aren't getting it, shoot me an e-mail, I'll be happy to offer advice, or just listen to your complaints. 

This surgery isn't all roses and rainbows, it's an annoying struggle for over eaters; and torture for meal skippers like myself. Sure the end result might make you forget all the bad, but the journey WILL be a struggle as you unlearn old habits, and try to create new, GOOD habits. Let me offer you a glimpse into the worlds of both over eaters, and under eaters:

If you are an over eater, or a food addict (like many who need this surgery are), you will have to fight a battle with your mind, more than your body. You will have to stop, think, and look at why you are eating. Are you truly hungry? Or are you upset, stressed, happy, congratulatory? Stop, think, and decide whether or not you need to fill your new stomach or not. You need to decide if that ice cream will really make you feel better, or if its just an old fall back. Is it worth it?

For us meal skippers, we need to set alarms. I mean it. You will not be hungry, same as you weren't before hand. If you get sad/happy/angry/tired/etc, you don't want to eat (trust me, I deal with this ALWAYS). That alarm goes off, YOU EAT. You have to, if you don't, you will stall, and your body may start retaining water.... which leads to weight gain (albeit temporary), which leads to depression, and more not wanting to eat. I don't care if it's one bite of chicken, or a teaspoon of humus, but you HAVE to eat post op, it may seem wrong to eat to lose weight, but if you don't, you can't function. Take it one bite at a time, and remember to ask yourself.... Is this bite worth it?

ASK YOURSELF: Is this bite worth it? You will be full, for HOURS on a few nibbles... so nutritionally, is that bite you're about to put in your mouth worth it?

Best of luck, stay strong.

Alicia

P.S. If you need me, I'll be here.